Swish It Up A Bit!
by jono74656
Summary: Sue Sylvester is a Champion! But even champions need the right material to work with. Herein lies Sue's attempts to tempt her sweet Porcelain to join Aural Intensity. Set between Comeback and Original Songs.


**AN: IDEK...**

**Title is a quote lifted from Sue's 'sneaky gays' rant from season 1, Youtube it...**

**Disclaimer: If you recognise it, it ain't mine.**

**Warnings: SUE**

Swish It Up A Bit!

Sue Sylvester was a champion. It was a simple fact. Everyone in Lima, in Allen County, in the Midwest even, knew about Sue Sylvester; coach of the seven-time national championship winning McKinley High School Cheerios. What they didn't know was that even a champion of Sue's calibre needed the right material to work with. They didn't have to be perfect, but they needed some spark of talent that she could mould into victory. Aural Intensity did not have this spark, and if she wanted to crush Schuester's merry band of misshapen freaks, she had to find or manufacture it.

Covert surveillance of the Westvale campus had revealed a complete lack of worthy talent around which to build Regionals-winning numbers, and Sue was forced to concede that the chipper homosexual had at least gathered all those with even marginal talents into the group already.

So be it. If she couldn't get adequate talent here, she'd simply have to import it.

Sunshine Corazon was out. Vocal Adrenaline's budget dwarfed even that of the Cheerios at their height, and their new director had already demonstrated an admirable ruthlessness in driving away poachers and infiltrators both. Not that it mattered, every High School in the Midwest had at least one member of their janitorial staff related to Imelda, her competent yet dull maid and dogsbody. As such, nothing happened in any of those schools without Sue Sylvester hearing about it five minutes later.

Momentary contemplation of the other schools that had lost out to Schuester at Sectionals the previous year reminded her that they'd lost in spite of Sue feeding them everything they needed to succeed. She had no use for such incompetents.

That was when a flash of sheer genius hit her, almost making her drop her protein shake.

Porcelain.

If anyone could help Sue get this bunch of mediocre dullards to victory at Regionals it was her sweet, sweet Ladyface.

After all, was it not he, in the wake of Schuester's cruel and hurtful assault upon her womanhood, who had held the Cheerios together as best he could, ensuring none of them accidentally starved/drowned/got pregnant without her guiding bullhorn to steer them?

Was it not he who had continued to rehearse and practise his part of the routine while the rest of the Cheerios had regressed to the point of being unable to dress themselves?

WAS IT NOT Kurt Hummel who had performed a fourteen and a half minute Celine Dion medley in French (one of her most brilliant ideas, she had to admit) while carrying out a complicated gymnastic routine; thereby single-handedly (or vocally) dragging the rest of the dead weight to a seventh National championship?

Yes it was.

Sue nodded decisively. She would find some way to lure Tickle-me-Doughface out of his personal paradise of an all-boy's school and bring him to Westvale. He alone had the vocals, the dance moves, and the sheer stage presence for Sue to build numbers around him that would make Schuester weep and beat his breast as she ground his collection of inbred mutants into the dirt before his anguished eyes.

That was decided. She had work to do.

...

Plan #1: Comeback Kid

As it turned out, Porcelain's pretentious prep school was having a four day weekend free of classes in honour of some famous alumni or other, and as such she did not have to traipse all the way to Westerville to make her case for him to join the winning team for a change. (She didn't know who the Warblers thought they were kidding. Train? Seriously? And that lead singer, his hair was entirely too Schuester-like, he would have to be eliminated.)

Sue slid her sunglasses into place as she entered the Lima Bean, unwilling to risk Porcelain seeing her desperation, how much she **needed **him if she was going to succeed. She glanced around the coffeeshop, noticing with satisfaction that Lady was there alone, sitting in a corner booth and sipping a large beverage, non-fat mocha if her nose did not deceive her, while studying a rather large tome whose title appeared to be in French.

She ignored the barista's hopeful look, bypassing the counter and marching over to loom over Porcelain's booth, her shadow falling across the book he had open on the table like that of old Death himself. Hummel looked up at her, and though his eyes widened slightly, this was the only sign that he was surprised to see her.

He raised an eyebrow at her inquisitively, but took another sip of his coffee before he deigned to speak to her. "Coach Sylvester! What an unexpected... pleasure?"

Sue smirked, "Porcelain." She seated herself opposite him in the booth and, ignoring his mildly concerned expression, pulled a copy of Splits! magazine from the pocket of her coat, shaking it open and beginning to read with a carefully schooled expression of blank interest and mild enjoyment.

She contemplated taking bets with herself on how long it would take him to crack, but was glad she hadn't when he simply returned to his book, mouth moving soundlessly as he shaped his lips around the words he was reading. Hating herself for the sign of weakness, she laid the magazine flat on the table, steepling her fingers and staring at him over them until he looked up and met her stare evenly.

Finally, Sue sighed and broke their eye contact, ignoring the faint look of superiority that crossed Hummel's face.

"Gelfling. I don't know how much information that stepbrother of yours passes on about events at McKinley, but in case you haven't heard I am the new coach of Aural Intensity. In this light, I wanted to invite you to transfer to Westvale and join **my **glee club."

"And why would I want to do that? Even if I did want to leave Dalton it would be to return to McKinley, not go even further from home."

"Here's my proposition. You have to heard by now that my former Head Cheerio with the stretchmarks who shall not be named has been cheating on her blonde beau with your shiny new stepbrother. If you agree to transfer and help me crush both Schuester's Island of Misfit Toys and the Dalton Academy Wheezers; I will ensure that Ladylips McBieberhair is your arm candy for the rest of your high school experience."

Porcelain eyed her for several seconds, then just shook his head disbelievingly.

"Leaving aside Finn's indiscretion, which I will be having words with him about. You essentially want me to prostitute myself to ensure your victory in exchange for you forcing an admittedly attractive but also apparently **straight **guy to date me?"

Sue simply nodded, eyes amused.

"No offense Coach, but no thanks. My standards are a little higher than that."

Porcelain tossed back the last of his coffee, packed his books into his bag, and swept from the Lima Bean with an enviable _hauteur_; leaving a slightly shocked Sue Sylvester behind.

She had underestimated Porcelain. That wouldn't happen again.

...

Plan Numero Dos: Blame It On The Horny Hobbits

Sue loved it when idiots did all her hard work for her. After the failure of her first plan to win Porcelain over she'd conducted more in-depth research, (she'd searched through the Hummel's garbage and quietly interrogated Frankenteen) and had discovered that Porcelain had a crush on the Warblers furry little troll of a frontman.

Now, however, it appeared that their friendship was on the rocks. According to Tweedle Double-D and Tweedle Dumb, (who could still be relied upon to gossip with their former teammates even if they weren't Cheerios anymore) the midget had experienced a bisexual awakening and started dating Schuester's loud-mouthed Barbra-wannabe.

She had bribed the baristas at the Lima and Westerville coffee shops to keep a covert eye out for Porcelain and pass on any eventful happenings; and apparently he and the hobbit had had a substantial blowout the previous day, and Bland had stormed off, narrowly avoiding being slushied by Porcelain's non-fat mocha.

With this in mind, she was waiting outside the Berry residence when Ladyface left, Berry's screeching following him out until he cut her off by slamming the door behind him.

"You know Porcelain. You come to Westvale and you'll never have to see either of those tiny, horny annoyances ever again. The CIA owes me several favours, they'll wake up tomorrow in Guatemala and no-one will ever find them."

Mister Fabulous just stared at her, apparently stunned speechless, before he huffed slightly, and took a deep cleansing breath.

"As generous as that offer is Coach. I've already said no to transferring. And as much as I don't particularly like either of them right now, I don't want them dead. Wouldn't want to prove Blaine right about me after all. I am NOTHING like Karofsky."

Sue reflected that regardless of whether or not Porcelain transferred, Blaine Anderson was going to be experiencing some low-level annoyance in his life for the foreseeable future. That whole Karofsky business had never sat well with her and she knew she didn't have the full story.

She gave Gelfling a curt nod, then turned and walked away, already readying her next cunning plan.

...

Plan C: I'm Too Sexy For My... Blazer

Honestly, she hadn't expected the Dalton Wobblers to actually **believe **the 'top secret intel' she'd passed onto Porcelain and the hobbit.

Her spies had infiltrated Crawford County Day and taken a bootleg recording of the Warblers performance in the creepy, abandoned warehouse. (Honestly, it was a sexual harrassment charge waiting to happen) They had also caught the immediate aftermath, with the midget accusing her sweet Ladyface of not acting sexy enough for the number. Sue had to wonder who he was to judge sexiness with those eyebrows; and he'd obviously never seen any of Porcelain's performances at McKinley, especially with her Cheerios.

She personally blamed Gelfling's apparent lack of sexiness on that hideous prep school uniform, in his own clothes or a Cheerios uniform even Sue Sylvester could objectively admit he was sexy, and she'd had her hormones purged years ago.

Fortunately, as was apparently the case with all show choirs, Westvale High's token gay kid was a member of Aural Intensity; and he was perfectly suited to Sue's purposes.

They pulled up outside the Hudmel's new home in Austin's (aka token gay kid's) car, having carefully scheduled this visit so that only Porcelain would be home. Sue strode up the front walk, and rapped sharply on the door, Austin tagging along at her heels.

Porcelain opened the door and gave a resigned sigh, apparently used to Sue randomly appearing in his life at this point. This was a disquieting notion; no-one should be able to predict Sue Sylvester to any extent.

"Porcelain. Having heard about your performance issues, I've brought you a present." She gestured vaguely behind her, and Austin helpfully waved a hand, "This is Austin, he's gay. He's going to help you with the whole acting sexy thing."

Ladyface's eyebrow reached almost dangerous heights as he gazed at the both of them archly, and he drummed his fingers on the doorframe for a second before responding. "Coach, I'm not transferring to Westvale, or joining Aural Intensity. I already said no to you pimping out Sam, I'm not going to say yes to you pimping out this poor soul." He gave Austin an apologetic smile, "I'm sure you're lovely, but this is all a little skeezy for my taste."

Austin just shrugged, "Pity, you're hot." He raked his eyes over Porcelain, and Sue smirked inwardly as his alabaster skin flamed with heat.

"Your loss Lady."

With that, Sue whirled on her heel and stormed back down the front walk, Austin looking almost longingly back over his shoulder as the door shut.

Next time Porcelain. Next time.

...

Fall Vier: Original Solohog

Even Dalton Academy had a janitorial staff, and as such, had one of Sue's spies on staff. That spy had reported on the Birdies latest impromptu performance, and the fact that Ladyfabulous had (accurately) referred to them as 'Bland and the Pips'. This had revealed what she should have known from the start. The one sure-fire way to entice her Lady to join Aural Intensity.

Solos.

After watching him go up against Berry again and again for lead status, it should have been obvious, but she had gotten so caught up in convoluted plans and patting herself on the back at her own cleverness that she'd missed it.

She booted up her iTunes, remembering once again her victory over Steve Jobs that meant her downloads were free for life, and began searching for songs that she could tailor to fit Porcelain's unique voice.

...

Honestly, she didn't even have to try and track down Tickle-Me-Dough-Face any more, he had shown up on her doorstep, expectant look on his face.

"Go on then Coach. There's only a week til Regionals. Surely you've saved the best plan for last?"

Sue just stared at him, eyes narrowed at his familiarity.

"Solos, Porcelain. Adam Lambert. Beyonce. Lady Gaga. You featured front and centre with the rest of the choir providing backing vocals and showcasing the extreme dance routines I've adapted from old Cheerios numbers. It'll be just like Nationals last year, only with less French."

For the tiniest fraction of a second, Ladyface's eyes widened and his breathing sped up, but he mastered himself and regained control almost fast enough that she didn't notice.

"I'm not Rachel, Coach. I don't need to be front and centre for every performance. It would be nice to get solos, but I'm not going to wither and die without them. Besides, the Warblers are taking a different direction, we're rearranging a number which will feature me heavily on vocals. Once again, I must refuse your offer to transfer. Though it is always nice to know that you appreciate my talents to this extent."

Sue sighed, Porcelain had dismissed every attempt, disarmed every trick she could throw at him. She was grudgingly impressed by this, but couldn't let him know this.

"We'll see you at Regionals then Porcelain. I'd say may the best man win, but I'm not a man, so it just wouldn't sound right."

"I'll be there Coach, I'll try not to look too smug when I'm accepting the trophy."

Hummel turned and left, climbing back into his navigator and driving away, sparing her a brief glance and a mocking salute as he left her sight. She closed her door with an almost pensieve feeling; it was a shame she was going to have to crush him and his little barbershop boyband. He was a worthy adversary, but he was standing in the way of her sweet victory over Schuester, and he would have to suffer the consequences.

...

Backstage after that travesty of a judge's decision, Sue Sylvester seethed as she iced her knuckles. That woman had had a hard face, obviously too much botox. Schuester and his merry miscreants had defeated her again, using original songs of all things, what a crock.

A figure dropped heavily into a sitting position next to her, and she locked eyes with Porcelain as he gazed at her. They sat in comfortable silence for several minutes before Porcelain sighed softly.

"Does this make Mr Schue the best woman then?"

Sue startled, a laugh slipping out before she could stop it. Porc.. Kurt smirked at her and tipped an imaginary hat before standing, brushing dust off his ugly uniform slacks before heading for the door. He turned back to look at her and smiled more genuinely,

"Now that we're not competition any more, I'm gonna take Austin up on his many offers to go out for coffee. He was cute, and he was into me, so I'll give him a chance. Don't interfere, or I'll tell Principal Figgins it was you who put superglue on his office chair."

With that final retort, he sashayed out of her line of sight, and Sue took a moment to process before allowing herself a momentary chuckle. She hauled herself to her feet, then began to plot. Porcelain obviously wasn't going to help her, she'd have to find someone else to help her destroy Spongehair Squarechin.

Maybe his ex-wife? She was nicely psychotic...

**AN: This idea has been knocking about for a long time, and I've finally pinned it down on the page. Enjoy everyone!**


End file.
